I washed my hands well—at least I thought I did—and sat down to watch a little Project Runway while my chili was boiling away.
Like, they knew I'd used their house as a masturbation station because I'd suddenly become a sex symbol to their dog.
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I thought, what can I do to keep myself awake?
That night I went to bed—and I didn't have a boner because I was 10 years old and, you know, we don't get many boners at that age—and I got into bed, made a fist and started hitting my flaccid penis with my closed hand.
Description: When I was 10 or 11, my older brother was having a sleepover with a bunch of his buddies. I thought, well that's not for me.